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        inPlainSight  40, Female, California, USA - 2 entries
    14
    Feb 2011
    6:59 PM CST
       

    Im tired of Blogging...

    I'm tired of blogging with the intent that everyone will read it. Hoping that someone reads it. Watching what I say because of who might read it and so forth. I haven't written just for me for so long. It's a weird kind of privacy to just sink into the masses and be a faceless, nameless writer. It's good though. As for my personal thoughts, I don't want them to go unattended to. I'd would rather have a perfect stranger read them than someone I know though. When blogging I have to pretend to be floating along through life perfectly. That's what everyone expects. I'm tired...

    I don't want to go all dark on everyone, that's not my intention. But I don't always feel good, and I feel like I have no one to talk to about that. Everyone is busy, busy bees. Supposedly stressed because I interupt their work too much. They're not even really working. They sit there laughing at youtube, or whatever... that's not working. I feel like a 2nd class citizen to the people I thought I was 1st for. This could really depress me, but I haven't let it. It's got me down, but not depressed. I guess I'm scared of depression.

    I live in chronic pain. I'm 25, overweight, ugly, and in chronic pain. I should be a miserable creature. I feel like I've been alive 250 years not 25. This pain thing is getting old. Really old. It's getting to the point where I don't even want to get out of bed. I feel like my life has been stolen and I'm trapped in this body that hates me. This fat girl is living my life like a selfish beast. Sometimes I get up the nerve to fight back against her, but... she's bigger than me, she always wins.

    I just don't feel like uplifting anyone today... if I can't do it for myself how can I muster up anything for anyone else? I'm tired.

    It's Valentine's day. I don't know whether to be happy or sad. Happy that I have someone who loves me, or sad that everyone forgets to love each other the rest of the year.

    I feel really sick to my stomach when I look in a mirror. How does anyone love that?

    Alright, well I have to go now before I get caught and interrogated...

    So, bye...


    Tags: blogging, chronic pain, depression, fat
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        codekadiya  41, Male, Australia - 57 entries
    14
    Feb 2011
    10:43 PM
       

    ada wadata giya UWS eke

    ude uws ekata giya. train eke giye. gihin tika welawak hitiyama e anu ayya awa. ithin okkoma wada tika pennuwa. echchara deyak nae kiyala tamai penne. habai meeta wada mahansi wena than thiyenawa. ithin monawath nathi eke meke inna kiyala hitenawa. wadiyen hours gana set wenakota ithin athata poddak ganak ei ne. deiyange pihiten ehema unananam hodai. hawasa gedara awith okkoma wada janel tika hodala as kala. dan nam hodata thiyenawa. inspection enawane.
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        codekadiya  41, Male, Australia - 57 entries
    13
    Feb 2011
    6:04 PM
       

    office

    today my head boss is not at office. so kinda free today. my second boss told me i have to make another two different websites. quite good news though. anyway im happy for all those stuff. wish i can get some more cash. praying that i will get another job to do all these stuff.
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        whoami?  40, Female, Nebraska, USA - 60 entries
    13
    Feb 2011
    9:14 AM EST
       

    Disordered eating has defined my life for as long as I can remember. No need to wade through the details, but take it for what it is. In the last year and a half, I have ventured through the latest of controlled eating, all-natural. This all per the influence of a good friend who found healing from her M.S. by eating completely natural for a year. With no drastic disease to tackle, but just another potential route to becoming America's Next Top Model, I jumped on this extremist wagon. I'd always naturally ventured to the polar ends anyways. This highly selective "way of life", we didn't dare call it the "D" word of course, when done perfectly would make you feel great, energetic and happy. But when even the smallest tid-bit of deliciousness was added to the concoction, all hell broke loose. Seriously. I would generally eat far too much because I had been deprived for so long. This would often times lead to a binge...and, though seldom as of lately but always quite possibly, resulted in a purge. �It was extremely difficult, extremely counter-cultural, and extremely stressful. Confused observers who thought us crazy, always seemed to share the same advice, "all things in moderation", but that strategy obviously held no power or true freedom for me, because I always seemed to turn it into "all things in mega-portion". Needless to say, it's time to get off this wagon.

    After a year and a half of an "on again off again" relationship with All Natural, I'm not a pound lighter, not a smidge happier, and not a bit healthier than the average Joe who eats Frosted Flakes for breakfast, a Philly cheese steak sandwich for lunch, Dorritos at break, and pepperoni pizza for dinner with a Dr. Pepper to wash it down and a bowl of ice cream to satisfy his sweet tooth. We're in the same boat when you study the functionality and contentment of our intestines, because seriously, they're built to handle whatever the crap we shove through there; it all comes out looking the same. (Don't get me wrong though, that machine needs fiber to fuel its engines at maximum efficiency, so there's balance to be found.) But look at our minds and he's got me beat across the boards, because after eating that�unsweetened oatmeal for breakfast, salad with no dressing for lunch, an apple at break, and a plain chicken breast with steamed asparagus for dinner with the last of my daily 64ounces of water to wash it down and a bowl of frozen cherries to toy with my sweet tooth, I'm trying to digest a mix of jealousy, self-pity and self-righteousness, while Joe there is rubbing his belly as it digests pure deliciousness and satisfaction. Being your average Joe doesn't look so bad does it?

    I think that following Joe's lead, with my own personal twist on it, doesn't sound like a half-bad idea. I'm engaged to be married in less than four months, 105 days to be exact. And the guy I'm marrying is a lot like Joe. Believe me he's not average in all areas, because this guy is the most amazing guy in the world, and those trying for runner-up wouldn't even come close if God gave them an extra lifetime. But he is your average american when it comes to his menu selection, while at the same time being a "man of refined taste". What that means for me is, all-natural isn't going to work, and I've got some work to do in culinary class. Lately I've been thinking a lot about what our menu might look like as a married couple. Being the super-wife and homemaker I know I'm of course going to be :), I want this man satisfied when he leaves the dinner table. I say this not in a sexist or male-power sort of way, but in a "I'm madly in love with this guy and I want the food on the table to make sure he knows it!" kind of way. �Letting loose in this area and cooking meals that look more like what mama had the the table growing up, and less like you just pulled up the whole garden, gave it a rinse and slapped in on a plate, might work a little better to get my "I love you" message across. It's freeing, it's relaxing, it's way more me, and it's going to be way more "us." Him, being as amazing as he is, has been entirely supportive of my relationship with All-Natural, but I think he knows me well enough that there was no point in putting up a fight because he knew that relationship would never last. See why I love him? :)

    So the other day, as I was pondering my official break-up with All-Natural and dreaming of my new life with down-home cooking, I found myself really wondering, will I ever be healed of disorded eating? What will happen to my body if I stock my kitchen with flour, cheese, cookies and the ever-forbidden 2% milk? Will I just binge and heaven forbid, get fat?! And whether it was me or that sweet voice from the heaven speaking, something inside of me said, "He'll heal you." That's it. "He'll heal you." This guy, the most amazing guy in the entire world, who loves me regardless of my merit, and thankfully regardless of my waist size, who has been my knight in shining armor, my handsome prince, and my superhero, will heal me. I can dream of a life where disorderd eating no longer defines me, because this guy, your average Joe when it comes to eating preferences, will help me see food for what it really is. It's not a monster, it doesn't need to control me and I don't have to control it. I just get to enjoy it, and he's gonna show me how, just by being who he is. Now that's a wagon I wanna be on, and never ever leave.

    Let the fact be made very solidly known though, that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. God is my Father and the redeemer and sustainer of my life, and He is the one to receive all the glory for the chain of events in my life. He has been patient, loving, kind and gentle in my journey and he has provided for me every step of the way. Recently he has provided my most amazing fianc�, who has passion and vigor for life and who has joined forces with God, whom he passionately loves and follows, to bring me healing. I could not ask for more. God is so good, and He can use any means He wants to heal you too. Amen.

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        Privacy963  29, Male, California, USA - 54 entries
    13
    Feb 2011
    5:43 PM
       

    ALthough today I may have sinned I know I am now free. Free to love GOd free to look at him free to really pray fo his forgiveness sincerly. THis week's been hard though I know I will pull through. I have my friends on my sides and my mind on school and I believe that there are people who truly care about me. LORD GOD PUNISH ME FOR MY SINS OF THIS WEEK TODAY SO I MAY LIVE TO SEE TOMMORROW SO I SHALL SEE JOY TOMMORROW.
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        codekadiya  41, Male, Australia - 57 entries
    12
    Feb 2011
    6:24 PM
       

    went to church

    it was so cold and so sleepy in the morning. but went to the church. ayya didnt turned up today, told that chuti du is sick coz of that he had to stay home. chuti nangi bought a desire hd phone today. pretty awesome.
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        codekadiya  41, Male, Australia - 57 entries
    12
    Feb 2011
    3:41 AM
       

    home again

    today didnt do much. but thatta called me and asking to talk to ayya. what to do this is why i dont like about me. im too sensitive and anyway i called him. i know he is so cunning and asking me to have a drink. anyway its ok now i dont have any grudge on him eventhough i wont forget this too. evening i went in the car to get some more practise. btw i got my job today. met Anurudda ayya in Mount druitt in the morning. he said he will give the job to me. thank god.
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        ericsonbravo  51, Male, Canada - 3 entries
    12
    Feb 2011
    8:56 PM MST
       

    CIC-B057706250

    FEB 11-change address cic
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    2 comment(s) - 01:05 PM - 02/13/2011
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        palakj  48, Female, Ohio, USA - 15 entries
    11
    Feb 2011
    10:03 PM EST
       

    Dreams

    "The reason why we have dreams is that the Unconscious withinus, the Atma or the Kundalini is trying to guide us to the right path – and this it does through dreams. But these are misunderstood, because we are confused. When we are sleeping we go to the depth of the Sushupti level, and there touch the Unconscious, but when we come out, we touch our Subconscious or maybe the Supraconscious, and this confuses whatever experience we may have had at the Sushupti level, with other things connected to our sub or Supraconscious, and we don't remember,or don't understand, and we forget it. A Realised Soul goes to the Sushupti and sees exactly what he has to know."�Shri Mataji Nirmala Devi

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        palakj  48, Female, Ohio, USA - 15 entries
    11
    Feb 2011
    9:24 AM EST
       

    Sun by native american

    the native american worship sun�not as god but as a revelation of great spirit who as such has gifted them source of life�and they see there fellow man as WAKAN� meaning holy beacuse soul is expression of divinity not only man but whole nature is seen as holy
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